My Birthday ..

When I were a lil kid, I used to countdown the days to my birthday eagerly ..
I couldn't remember what presents I've gotten from my parents and sisters ..
All I could remember were the feeling of happiness and certain memories left from pics taken then ..
Mummy would doll me up in dresses with white long stockings and plait my hair neatly in two long braids ..
I could still remember vividly a picture of me holding a cake with shinning eyes and a big excited smile on my face ..


As I grew up, birthdays no longer hold the same meanings for me ..
I started to have hopes and expectations as any normal gal would do ..
Mixed feelings always knock me out during this weird day of mine ..


Celebrating birthdays always seem to be my most vulnerable moment .. 
I would have wishes and hoped that they will come true ..
Even though I knew it's just a myth, I couldn't help but still wished for miracles though ..


I started to question myself ..
What will make me truly happy on this day?
To treat it like any normal day will do?
Not to have the slightest expectations and to let the day pass peacefully?
Or to wait for the surprises?
I do not have the real answers to it ..



In the 364 days at work, I have to be rational at all times ..
Even though I still work on my birthday, I would yearn to just be Myself in this day of mine ..

Wishing that I could just do anything without having to think of the consequences ..

A silly thought of mine ..   : )

Then, something happened on last year's birthday ..
I cried while I were eating my birthday cake ..
My first unhappy memory of birthdays ..


This year ..
The day before my birthday arrived, an unhappy incident happened ..
In my whole lifetime, I never knew I had so much tears ..
I even wished the day would never come ..
It was a dreadful day as I battled with my emotions and feelings ..


I do not have supernatural powers to freeze the time and I had to deal with The Dreadful Day ..
From 12am onwards, the texts messages on my phone, Facebook and the calls to wish me a happy birthday come endlessly ..
As usual, my pressies will always have white roses and chocolates among them ..
I felt the warmth in my heart as I still do have lots of friends that care for me ..


As the day near its end, I felt a sense of relief and I were thinking to myself , "Whew, at last" ..


All of a sudden, my worker gals popped behind me with a bear cake ..
The look of the cake was so cute that it lit up my mood instantly ..


When I look at their excited faces, the answer that I've been searching for, suddenly dawned on me ..
Birthdays .. To accept it with a simple and pure heart and I will feel the happiness in the simplicity .. 
To know that the people around me are trying to make me happy in all the possible ways .. 


I guess Birthdays aren't that bad at all, perhaps?
Although I still naughtily wished that it will never arrive next year .. haha


Happy Birthday .. Chloe   

I Miss You ..

The feeling of missing someone ..
It feels sweet when you are in Love ..
Yet, painful when you're out of it .. 
Tormenting, when you are guessing whether that person is thinking of you too ..
Amazing, when that person says "I Miss You too", all the insecurities were swept away ..


No matter how it is, it's hard to stop our hearts from missing the ones we love dearly ..
Everyone has their own experiences of missing someone in their life ..
And each has their own ways of expressing it ..
Some showed it through words, while some in actions ..


A lot of people love to say "I Miss You" too easily ..
I've always pondered on this, "Do they really mean it?"
Actually, some say "I Miss you" just for the sake of saying it .. 
Sad but True ..


Some showed their affections through actions ..
They seldom say "I Miss You" but are showing it in all the possible ways ..
The small unromantic gestures are actually the most simple and basic rules of being Romantic .. 


I would want someone that will hug me even when he's feeling tired ..
Someone that will kiss me when we are having arguments ..
To wipe my tears away when I'm crying .. 
Giving me a piggyback rides when I'm tired .. 
When I'm hungry, he will cook for me because he would not want me to starve ..   
And he won't mind listening to my gibberish talks with a smile on his face ..  : )


Someone that will make me feel loved and missed from his actions, rather than honeyed words from his lips ..
I will not tell him that his small gestures are going to be rooted deeply in my Heart .. 
Because, that's my little secret ..  :P


Someday, when I sit in his hugs playfully forcing him to say "I Miss You", that will be the day he enters my Heart completely ..  : )

The silly gal from the past ..

Last week, I saw a status posted on a friend's facebook wall .. 

It says ..

One day you're gonna want her ..

That girl that knew she wasn't perfect, but tried to be for you .. 

That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you, and loving you was the only way she could ..

The girl who sees your flaws, but values them as much as your strengths ..

That girl who still can't bring herself to hate you, even though sometimes you probably deserve it ..

That girl that should have you, but doesn't ..

I liked this status a lot .. 

Perhaps because it's melancholy beautiful or maybe it was just part of me from the Past that feels the similarity ..

I know I'm mad but who wants to be rational in Love?

Rationality kills all the passion in a relationship .. 

Of course I would not want a foolish lover without a sense of logicality but I do yearn for a passionate lover that loves me with all his Heart .. 

I'm actually laughing while writing these .. 

I guess I'm just hopelessly romantic when I'm really in Love ..

I'm silly when I truly liked a person from the bottom of my heart ..

I know I'm not perfect and I will not want to be, but I will try to be my best for you ..

I can't do much sometimes, but I will be there when you needed someone by your side ..

Holding your hands silently, letting you know that you're not facing your obstacles alone ..

Accepting all your flaws because I truly liked you ..

Even when you've hurt me so bad, I still can't bring myself to hate you .. 

Finding excuses for you just to cover up all the painful moments you've created in my heart ..

There are moments when I'm in total denial of myself but I know I had to overcome my emotions and move on ..

Like it or not, Life goes on ..

A lot of people always blamed on Love when they felt hurt .. 

But, it's actually Love that makes us alive again, isn't it?

It's up to us to live our life with happiness or sadness ..

Why not choose the happier option?

Will you write my name in the sands for me?

One day, if you ever went to the beach, will you write my name in the sands for me?


I've always wanted someone to write my name or perhaps draw my face in the sands, and then to snap a picture of it for me ..


It may seemed childish, but it showed how much that person cares for me and how he doesn't mind doing silly things just to bring a smile to my face ..  : )


A lot of people have forgotten the simple ways of bringing happiness into another person's life ..
When we were young, we used to create surprises for special ones .. 
The feeling of excitement while waiting to see their reactions and the satisfaction we get from the smiles on their faces were priceless ..


Sadly, these were mostly forgotten as we grew up .. 
The harsh realities of the world have trained each and every one of us to think more wisely ..
The inner kid in us have been locked deep down in hearts .. 
We have to be careful of how we speak and act in front of others .. 
Afraid that we will be ridiculed and laugh at every mistakes that we've made and real faces were always camouflaged in front of strangers .. 


I'm not a childish person, but I tend to do funny kiddie things to amuse myself .. 
To remind myself that I'm trying hard to live my life the way I want it to be and not how Life had in stored for me .. 
And to feel the simplicity of Happiness that can't be exchange with anything in the world ..


I would like to imagine that I were you when you were writing my name in the sands ..
Will you laugh and giggle over your silliness? 
Perhaps your face feels hot from the stares of strangers? 
Or will your face beam with excitement just by anticipating my reactions upon seeing it?
Touching my heart, I would like to feel how your heart yearns to make me happy ..


No matter how your handwriting looks like, I know that you are doing it for me and my heart will feel warm and fuzzy just by thinking of it .. 
To me, it's means a lot more than just an action of writing .. 


So, the next time when you go to the beach, will you release your inner kid and do silly things for me?  

When the Dumb gets Dumber ..

Were casually touching the topic of being "Happy" and "Rich" with a guy friend of mine ..

He commented that I can be Rich but I've chosen to be Happy by rejecting those unsuitable rich guys in the Past ..

I replied that I'm Dumb in choosing Happiness over Getting Rich ..

If I'm rich enough, I won't have to work like a cow (psssttt .. which is what I'm doing now) and I can just fulfil my dream of living by the seas, basking in eternal happiness till the day I finally R.I.P ..

In respond, he replied "You've chosen to be Yourself and enjoying all the Freedom to do what you want to .. You're fuxxking dumb but I like it .."

Well, if I were given a Second Chance, I guess I'll still stick back to my previous decisions perhaps ..

I had to admit that, I can't survive without Money as I'm living in a Materialistic World ..

But Money can't buy me Happiness ..

I do not have to be Rich to breathe in "free air" ..

Neither do I need it to see smiles on friends' faces ..

Simple happiness in life are to be felt through hearts ..

Some say, true happiness are hard to find ..

That's because their hearts have been polluted by their greedy desires ..

Stay simple and open up your heart without prejudice ..

You will realize that, true happiness lies in simplicity ..

It's all around you and it's as easy as that .. : )

In summarize .. I'm Fuxxkingly Dumb but Happy .. :D

Nothing Lasts Forever ..

People come and go in our lives ..

Be it family members, lovers or friends, it does not have any exceptions ..

Sometimes, we grow attached to people that we have been exposed to for over some time , special feelings for the ones that could always understand our thoughts or even the ones that have been good to us regardless of how the relationship turns out to be ..

But, there will always be an End to everything .. No matter how much Promises have been made or how fond memories have been shared, Time changes everything .. 

Promises ..

It is understandable that at times when Promises are made, some people do really meant it from their heart and they swear by it .. 

It just never dawned on them that, Time changes Everything .. Including Promises ..

A friend of mine had once asked me, "What if I'm no longer with my girlfriend? Do I still have to keep my promises to her?" 

I believed that he had meant to do everything for her at that point of time when he Promised her .. 

But if things had changed between them, what's the point of clinging on to a meaningless promise?

Fond memories ..

People stayed together because of the bond they've built based on the intimacy and memories created between them ..

Does the memories always stays perfect in one's minds?

Sweet memories of the Past may seem childish to some once they've grew up or changed ..

No one stays the same throughout all times .. Everyone changes ..

With every decision that we make in our lives, it leads to other choices and happenings which will eventually change what's on our mind initially ..

What we've felt and how we think will gradually change over Time ..

Family members ..

Parents, brothers and sisters ..

They are the group of important people that mould our lives in our earlier stages of life .. 

Thankful that I have great family members ..

Although we do have our disputes sometimes, they are still the ones that will stand by me without asking for anything in return and I'm proud to say "I love them" ..

Till death do us part ..

Lovers ..

There will always be someone special to us in our lives ..

Doesn't have to be good looking nor rich to create a chemistry between two people ..

As long as both person feels comfortable and at ease with each other, it will certainly last longer ..

*But he has to dote on me and yield to my little unreasonable demands sometimes ..  *smiles *

Of course there will be times when it all fails .. 

We will need time to heal and recover ..

To ponder over our mistakes and to wish them best wishes in their future life with grace .. 

After periods of sleepless nights and unstopable nigara falls, everything returns back to normal ..

Some will learn to guard their heart and build walls of defence around it while some still stumbles everytime without lessons learnt ..

I have to say that, it is truly hard to surpress our emotions when it comes to feelings of the heart ..

Friends ..

They shared our fun, laughters and tears in our lives .. Been a huge part of my life every moment .. 

I'm not embarrassed at showing them how "clown" I'm sometimes ..

Making fun of each other and laughing until tears dropped .. Supporting each other through the hardest times ..

There are some things that we would rather share with friends rather than with family members or even lovers .. 

They are just easier to talk to because they will not be over protective and a lot of things will be clearer as they help to share and listen ..

Sometimes we share not for solutions, but just for the sake of venting out our frustrations and we know that they will always be there for us to pour out our woes when we need them .. 

True friends never judge us .. For those that do, they are not real friends of mine ..

I have a few friends that have been with me for years and I truly hoped that they will prove me wrong by staying with me for the rest of my life ..  : )

Two days ago, I've lost two friends due to some personal issues ..

It's upsetting to see people that you have connections with, disappearing from your life ..

Indeed, I'm helpless in situations like this .. 

Glad that they've took the time to explain to me what happened and truly hoped that we shall be friends again in time to come .. 

How I felt ..

It's never easy to accept people going out of my life and I'm still learning to cope with my emotions ..

Life is all about the process of learning to be a better person .. 

No matter what happened, Life goes on bcos no one's ever irreplaceable in it.. 

Some say friends last the longest in all these category ..

I'll have to say that family comes first in my life ..

Without mummy bringing me up single-handly since dad went to heaven when I were 12 yrs old, I wouldn't be who I am now ..

Luv you mummy ..  

And also everyone that have appeared in the past for lesons learnt or currently still in my life for the joys given ..

For letting me be the one I want to be, without having to hide behind a fake mask ..  : )

Looking Back ..

Certain memories rooted deeply in hearts are just like weeds ..
The more we try to get rid of it, the stronger it becomes ..
Without a choice, we've come to terms and to live with it .. 
Time will let us know that, it's actually not as hard as we've imagined it to be ..
Because nothing last forever ..
Unable to deny their existence ..
But there will be a day when it no longer matters to you, me or us and we were finally able to look back at the Past with a thankful smile on our faces .. : )

My First Blog ..

I've always wanted to write journals of my own .. 

As a reminder to myself and a place for me to write out my thoughts without keeping them silently in my heart ..

Been lazy or perhaps too busy with work to do so ..

At last I'm finally here ..  : )